Dear Mr. Foris,
With reference to your letter dated 29 Sept, I’m afraid we cannot accept your claim for $1,000,000 for “a broken arse and damaged pride”, and return your photo here:
While we have no doubt the children present may have laughed long and hard, we feel this, and the mental anguish thus caused, is something you should have gotten used to by now.
We can find no evidence for your claim of “extensive bruising and soft tissue damage” and find your explanation for your injury - that you ran backwards into a tree while attempting a “triple toe-loop lay-up in a basketball game” to be highly doubtful.
Your suggested compensation of 2 weeks on a South Pacific Island having your buttocks “oiled and tenderly massaged by triplet Bulgarian arse therapists” appears to have little medical justification. I return your photo of these ladies also here:
We ask you to please stop sending photos and videos of your buttocks, and if you follow up on your suggestion of “coming to the office to show everyone” we will call security.
Senior Claim Investigator